This is a long one… have a seat and a cocktail! ;D. This is me being Brave! (A song from my favorite songstress…The universe Perfectly speaking to me through song.)
And then there was Mr. “I’m in wayyyyy over my head”! I really didn’t see this one coming. I remember so vividly walking into his home and recognizing something familiar and comfortable …something that fit like a puzzle piece that I didn’t realize was missing.
He is an artist…a painter…and something about his soul displayed on the canvases in the room captured me. Something that I could not fathom…timeless and from another lifetime. A moment I recall so completely that changed my course. I knew I was in trouble.
The irony is that there is so much to be gained from this relationship and most of it from pain and suffering at the moment. Ha! Not anything I can’t handle. And none of it intentional…just organically so. He is not the reason for my suffering he just shows me where I hold attachment. And that is a gift.
In a way I see into this mans soul…from the very first time we were alone together. I don’t mean intimately…I mean alone in his presence without distractions. I see him for who he is …A king who has amnesia…and not where he is…struggling to find his footing in some sort of a fog.
His grin. When he tilts his head and pushes his hair backward and slightly upward at the same time…it’s like I’ve seen him do that a thousand times. The tenderness in his gestures and the kindness that exudes from his pores. The compassion and depth of his heart. His strength of character and integrity with a certain humility. Not to mention he happens to be a FOX in a SEXY AS HELL form. Yes PLEASE and THANK YOU!
So this is where it becomes sticky. Because I see him whole and complete (healed)…I make certain allowances for behaviors that might seem disrespectful… things that may make me seem like a pushover or a doormat to some people.
But again, I have a knowing about him.
There seems to be a razor sharp edge to balance on (i’m sure this is a mixture of childhood/relationship/Empath junk). Wanting to allow people to move about and have the experiences they need for their soul to unfold…but needing to have boundaries of my own at the same time. I am more interested in breaking barriers than setting boundaries. I feel the importance of this relationship in a big way. BUT IT’S NOT TIME!!
Have you ever heard that …”when you’re buying a new car you always have to be willing to walk away”…if it’s not the right deal for you…No matter how much you want it… If it’s not time…you have to be willing to walk away. Do you have any idea how hard it is to walk away…when all you want to do is jump in, speed away and have fun. But this is the mother load of payoffs!!!!!
Currently this is where I am in this relationship. Having faith! In that thing, that is bigger than us…that absolutely this man and I align at some point in our life. Because I deserve it…and so does he.
There has recently come to my attention some information that in an esoteric/cosmic way describes what I’m experiencing…and it is not lunacy. It’s called a Twin Flame!!? Google it! It’s magical (you’ll notice I love this word). Here is another reference…Twin Flame. And it may seem like it’s not fair!!! Shouldn’t everyone find their twin flame??!? Well…it seems painful as hell sometimes. I actually hear his heartbeat. SERIOUSLY!!! I’m actually hearing it now as I write this. I haven’t quite figured out why it’s necessary…or helpful …but it is somewhat torturous when they are not in your life. Definitely manageable and noticeably painful… Like something is missing. This relationship is supposed to be the embodiment of yin and yang. When looking at the symbol perhaps this explains the heartbeat…the connection. After some time thinking about this I have to redefine this as magical… Torturous is such a human, negative, suffering kind of word. When the fact that I am so connected to a human being that I can hear/feel his heartbeat from anywhere is pretty amazing. Needing or wanting to possess it for my own is selfish but has a pull that is hard to deny. This is where I find balance.
Not being able to attach to something so rare…to something that feels so perfectly organic. Ouch!
This is supposedly the way of the Twin Flame. It almost seems necessary for one of them to recognize it sooner than the other to create a certain dynamic for both of them. It involves a certain healing and clearing of emotional and karmic junk. There is a whole “scenario” called the runner and the chaser. There seems to be a Twin Flame blueprint and I’m following it effortlessly. I suppose what I recognize the most is that it begins a huge spiritual growth spurt. Like a catalyst. A spark is ignited and the journey begins.
I happen to have a very authentic psychic/medium in my pocket of friends. She came into my life at the perfect moment… When I was ready. To help me with my spiritual journey, and so much more. She is a treasure! Through one reading, a healing session and other opportunities for sharing…she has revealed or rather reinforced/clarified my intuitions. She has shared that this man and I are spiritually aligned. That we have lived many soul lives together. That any relationship we have will be the very best. If we are friends, lovers or partners. Together we are capable of many great things from what ever path we choose.
Somehow…I’ve known this from the beginning. Being around him makes me extremely passionate. I want to write books and feel inspired to some mission. Peaceful, positive, alive and ready!
A little Side-note here—-possibly TMI but I must share!!!!
Can you imagine being sexually intimate with the a person who “literally” speaks to your soul. The amount of trust I share with him is uncanny… there is some sort of telepathy happening.
I’m having this amazing physical experience with him every time…but he doesn’t feel it at the same level…however, he does recognize my cosmic enjoyment. He’s a man and of course he is enjoying himself but he just thinks I am spiritually in touch and having 20 orgasms (every time)…”IS JUST HOW I ROLL”! Be jealous ladies…be very jealous! And I’m supposed to walk away from this?!?!?! NO WAY!!!! An unexplainable magnetic force. Like a bubble you enter into and you come out… REBORN!
“I’ve come to a knowing, that my body is for you and yours for me. We are meant to offer each other our wildest desires and pleasures. What I give to you I receive what I take for myself you receive. A constant moving giving and receiving, always fluid and in balance. I embrace “us” we are magic.” (~me written later…inspiration seems to pour out from time to time.)
From what I know about suffering… It has intention! it is a pointer to things that we need to address within. We have been experiencing an on and off again relationship for one year. We connected on St. Patrick’s Day 2014 (which is significantly lucky for me). Via Tinder (a dating app)…
Tinder- 1 :a very flammable substance adaptable for use as kindling 2 :something that serves to incite or inflame
…coincidentally their logo is a flame. HA! Don’t think I haven’t considered the thought of the universe inspiring a dating app to bring twin flames together…love it. Every time it is felt like an extreme high low situation…I like envisioning the flicker of a flame…from low to high. I understand why now…as much as that is possible!
“Pain by itself is merely pain, but the experience of pain coupled with an understanding that the pain serves a worthy purpose is suffering. Suffering can be in endured because there is a reason for it that is worth the effort. What is more worthy of your pain then the evolution of your soul?” Gary Zukav (one of my favorite cats.)
Another interesting fact about this relationship is that our souls seem to speak to each other even out loud. I have said things to this man that I would never say to a man who appears emotionally unavailable. For instance, just a few weeks after meeting… I asked, “why are you resisting me”. “You will never lose me”! And, “I want to shake you and bring you with me but you have to do the work yourself.” Seriously?!?! You just don’t say that to a man that is feral and skittish. And “Wake up… You have work to do”. That one was based around a late night rendezvous…not meant spiritually at all… Or was it? So many things he has said to me always seem cryptic… like coded messages. The more I uncover the more they seem like clues. Things our souls
(consciousness) will allow us to speak out loud but our minds are not ready to hear or process. Can you imagine the intensity of meeting your other half. What is happening?!?? WOW! Unbelievable!? And in contemplating this I am still in awe.
“The soul has been given its own ears to hear things The mind does not understand.” Rumi
Several times during our iterations and usually through text…he would ask if “I were brave?”… And I’m thinking that’s kind of a weird thing to ask…lol! I am a very curious person… I tend to not judge what I hear but try to understand what is behind the words…the intention. And I AM BRAVE!!! I am not always good at speaking my mind…too busy processing information apparently. But I am up to the task. How can I not be!?!? I must say with hindsight I was mesmerized in his presence. Dazed and completely off-balance and yet so peaceful and comfortable… I was home. This is more than mere mortals are accustomed to experiencing, so no wonder I was feeling enchanted!
(more inspired writing later during my experience) Seriously proud of some of this…hard to believe its coming from me. So odd to…in a way sense or feel words coming from some sacred place inside of you.
When I am in your presence I can put no demands on you. I stand in awe of your unfolding. I am enamored by your soul. When I am in your presence all the questions of the universe are answered. When I am in your presence I need seek no further… Because I am found in you.”
He was constantly asking me “What do you want?” This was never really literal or specific… More intimate with deeper undertones. Tapping into…”are you brave (personal insight to Brave song from above)enough to ask for what you want, desire and deserve!?”. If there is a place where I get stuck… It is here. He tapped into the core of my weakness… but delicately and for purposes in which I am certain were not with intention… But perhaps guidance. Again this is not an intimate thing this is possibly my character flaw…And seeing it clearly helps me overcome it. Another gift. He has shared so many pieces of the puzzle with me and it was all organic and not from a place of doing but from being. Magical! When he tells me something…it resonates with me in a way that makes connection between mind, body and soul. Kind of like connecting wires.
So far every experience I have had is leading me towards something profound… Like Slumdog Millionaire… It is written!
I have so many other things that contribute to the facets of this…MAGIC… But it all just becomes redundant.
I often use a line from The Princess Bride (a classic film) when responding to him. “As you wish!” I am not certain he gets it… I’m hoping he does… I think I’m quite clever. ;D. The law of attraction is personified in me when it comes to him. All he has to do is ask. I do not mean that I do not have free will and that I cannot or would not choose my own best interest. And not from some weird effort to please. It’s at a cosmic level. When we are aligned and in a healthy place all we have to do is ask and it will be possible. As friends, lovers or partners.
So where it is now? I will let the powers that be work it out. I have faith that he is being guided to his own place of healing and clearing of emotional and karmic junk. He is not broken…He is becoming whole. When he is ready to build something fun, profound, rich and magical…I hope with all of my heart that he reaches out for me. I would dig a chance to see what kind of stuff we could accomplish together. Maybe nothing happens or maybe everything happens!? I’m not usually sentimental so this is new to me and impossible to deny. I don’t know quite how to share it with him without scaring the hell out of him. I know him though… And he is BRAVE as well. He is A Warrior if light!
I will continue to move forward and let it be what it will be. I am open to the flow of life and to any relationship that I am drawn to. I am happy and loving life…I hope this post doesn’t imply a sadness. I’m just in awe of the possibilities! My struggle now is balancing a friendship. I vow and think I have no other option than to have unconditional love for this person… And by that I mean…I will offer a continual flow of love whether I see him again or not…wherever he is and whatever he chooses in his life he will always feel a steady flow of love and acceptance from my direction… This does not have to come from a place of romance… Of male and female…agape! Attachment is my own personal struggle …and by healing that in myself I heal it for others…Because I am forging a path. I learn and grow from all experiences. If nothing ever comes of this…the lessons I have learned, any awarenesses I have discovered or any gifts I have received are priceless. I am happy to have lived every moment.